There Was No Defining Event

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Depression is often thought to be the scars of a horrible experience. And that is in no way false. Depression can certainly be constructed in response to a traumatic event. This is not always the case though. My own life has not had any dramatic hardship (outside of my depression). All in all my life is pretty blessed. I haven’t faced any great loss or injury, and yet this disease still exists very strongly in me.  Continue reading

Defensive Breakdown

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The basic principle in a fight is to incapacitate whoever you’re fighting while minimizing the damage done to yourself. To tackle both of these things at once, you first target those things which give them the ability to fight back. You want their defenses to be nonexistent, or at least so weak that they are a minor obstacle.

What people need to know about depression is that this is what it does with a horrifying efficiency. Continue reading

The Time Bomb Effect

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There’s a stigma that surrounds mental illness in general. There’s a sense of shame that comes with it in a lot of cases. Some people view it as a sign of weakness. It makes it difficult to open up about the kinds of feelings that depression creates. And when you do let others see it, there’s a chance you’ll get the “well just toughen up” or “you just gotta pull yourself up by your boot straps and be a man about it”. It’s degrading for you to be feeling all this pain and not know why, and then for someone to tell you that it’s just because you’re not strong enough or are just being a wimp. In fact it’s gut wrenchingly painful. When you believe what you’re being told (which because of the disease you tend to believe the worst about yourself anyways), you start to see your sickness as a personal flaw instead of as a situation that you were born into. I wrote an entire post about how depression isn’t a choice, so I’ll digress from that.

The reason I bring this up is because feelings of shame are a powerful force. When you feel shame, you want to hide whatever it is that causes it. Depression is no different. You don’t want others to see what you’re feeling, so you bury it deep. You hide it under your smile, your sense of humor, your relationships with others; you throw anything you can on top of it so that it doesn’t see the light of day and others won’t be aware of it. Some people are really good at this, and that’s why you hear people say, “I would have never expected you to have depression”. I was told this a lot when I was first diagnosed. Some are better than others, but you learn to hide the things you don’t want others to see in whatever way you can. Continue reading

Equating Use to Value

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There’s an innate desire within people that drives us to seek out that which makes us feel like we are serving a purpose. This only makes sense. I know I find a lot of comfort in the belief that there is a unique niche in this world that only me and all of my idiosyncrasies can fill perfectly. However there is another mode of thought that I ascribe to regarding this matter. The less endearing way to consider your value is to equate what you believe to be your use. Another way of saying this is we only believe we’re as valuable as our role makes us. Continue reading

More Thoughts of an Extremely Insecure, Single Man

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Discussing Girls With Your More Attractive Friend:

“Yeah, I’m gonna ask *insert your love interest’s name* out on a date later this week,” my friend casually tells me, unaware that his words were as bullets made of knives as they tore through my soul. I don’t have the gumption to tell him that I’m interested in her.*Tells friend to go for it*. I have so much hate for this situation. All the hate is dedicated to this right here. Oh well. It’s for the best I’m sure. Just please don’t ask me for advice on how to approach this. *Friend on asks for advice on the very thing you were desperately hoping he wouldn’t ask for*. SONNOVA B%$&#! *Gives friend advice*. Well. It looks like it’s time to return to my pit of self pity. I just hope she doesn’t ask me about him. Continue reading

The Ridiculous Courtship Habits of an ENFP

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Myers Briggs is a vastly popular personality test. You answer a series of questions and you are given a combination of four letters. Mine, as you might have surmised from the title, are ENFP. These stand for extrovert, intuitive, feeling, and prospecting. I am the human equivalent of a train wreck when it comes to pursuing women. I’m the human equivalent of two train wrecks happening simultaneously and both trains are carrying gun powder and blast resistant snakes when it comes to actually carrying on a relationship. This is partly because of the shortcomings that come with being and ENFP; this is also because I’m me and I’m bad at stuff. But we’ll break this down piece by piece. Let me try to explain the mad dance/ seizure-esq emotional convulsions that are the courtship of an ENFP.  Continue reading