More Thoughts of an Extremely Insecure, Single Man

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Discussing Girls With Your More Attractive Friend:

“Yeah, I’m gonna ask *insert your love interest’s name* out on a date later this week,” my friend casually tells me, unaware that his words were as bullets made of knives as they tore through my soul. I don’t have the gumption to tell him that I’m interested in her.*Tells friend to go for it*. I have so much hate for this situation. All the hate is dedicated to this right here. Oh well. It’s for the best I’m sure. Just please don’t ask me for advice on how to approach this. *Friend on asks for advice on the very thing you were desperately hoping he wouldn’t ask for*. SONNOVA B%$&#! *Gives friend advice*. Well. It looks like it’s time to return to my pit of self pity. I just hope she doesn’t ask me about him. *Receives text message from love interest*. No I don’t think you should date! You should be with me! I’m not hiding behind a wall of tone muscles. You know exactly what you’re getting with me, dad-bod and all! I’m the most honest party involved in this scenario. I’m not standing for this. I’m not going to watch this happen again. *Types out following message: ” Yeah he’s interested but so am I and I promise that I’ll be much more dedicated to you smiling and caring about you than he will. I’m not just there for the sunny days, I’m there for the storms when you really need someone. Let me show you how a man cares about a woman”*…….*Deletes message and tells her to date friend*. Kill me. Just do it.

Beach Situations:

This is gonna suck so extremely bad. I burn easier than lighter fluid and my off day from working out has lasted about 15 months. Why do people like this place? It’s hot and there’s sand everywhere. And we’re here. I have to get fatter friends so that the grand unveil where we all take off our shirt is less of an embarrassing fiasco. Ok. BIG FLEX! *takes off shirt*. “Wow Ben, have you lost weight?”. *Can’t answer because holding the flex requires a great deal of breath control*. *Group stares*. *I run into ocean*. That was close, I think they almost realized that I was flexing sucking in my gut. This is going to be an exhausting venture. Wait. That man over there doesn’t care what he looks like without a shirt on and I shouldn’t either. I’m just going to walk back to the group acting like I am the pure embodiment of swagger. My gosh I look like a wet wooly mammoth. Oh well. I got thi- oh crap never mind random hot girls I’m getting back in the water. *Bides time amongst the waves*. Alright coast is clear. Just gotta make a break for the group and grab my shirt. *Runs out of water*. *Steps in a hole that small children have dug and rolls ankle*. *Involuntary noise*. Oh no people. Don’t look at me. *Lays on beach with shame on display*. Doing some crunches before bed really wouldn’t kill me. “Oh no I was wrong, he didn’t lose weight,” I hear my friend say in the distance. Maybe also some pushups…..and less Papa Johns…..I need to Google how to incorporate more vegetables in my diet without actually having to taste them because tasting them is just not an option for me.

Parties:

This corner is great. I really like this corner. But maybe it’s time to face the facts that I’ll never get the girl while posting up (hiding) in my kingdom (corner). As fortune would have it, *insert love interest’s name* is here. I’ll just make some casual conversation and see if I can’t spark a conversation that reveals how much we have in common and then she’ll see that I was made by God to be her quintessential match. I’m like her missing puzzle piece and she doesn’t even know it. You hear that, *insert love interest’s name*? You hear that knocking? It’s love. And it’s about to introduce you and m- crap her friends are approaching and there’s no way I could break through that solid barrier of estrogen to have a meaningful conversation. But she must know that I am the ideal counterpart for her. It only makes sense for us. She’s gorgeous and I have a receding hair line. She’s intelligent and I have a receding hair line. She’s funny and I have a receding hair line. It couldn’t be more clear if the stars spelled it out. That’s it. I must be a battering ram made of masculinity and passion so that she will recognize the vast potential our romantic partnership has. The time is now! I shall charge forward through her friends and ask for her hand in conversation which will by extension lead to all of those aforementioned things! *Walks with powerful strides towards the seraphim that has been placed in front of me, brushing past her friends and other party goers*. “Hey! How are you doing?”, you say, passionate adrenaline still coursing through your body. “Hey! It’s great to see you!” Ha! It’s great to see me. Cupid you sly dog, I see you’ve been at work. *You speak for a while*. I am a man among men. I am the pinnacle of conversational wooing. Seduction, thy name is Benjamin. “It’s so great to have a friend like you who I can just talk to and not have to worry about you trying to hit on me or something like that.” *Spirit audibly breaks and my face freezes in this fake smile/grimace of utter despair*. “Yep. That’s me….”, I squeak out in a voice that can only be described as the most pitiful sound ever made by a creature (human or otherwise).

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